From Puddles to Praise
Has life, or circumstance, ever left you in a puddle on the floor? I remember a time in my life, a very sad time, when I physically laid on the floor and cried, and prayed, and cried. I was overwhelmed by sadness, fear, anger, guilt and confusion. My “happily ever after” had not ended the way I planned. Despite prayers, counselling, patience and struggle, my marriage of 26 years was over. This was NOT supposed to happen to “us” , yet here I was divorced.
As a Christian, I felt shame that we were not able to “fix” the marriage and make the goal of “til death do us part”. I believed every word I said on my wedding day. I pledged my life and my love, in front of God, family and friends. Now, promises and pledges had dissolved like my tears.
Divorced? I had taken a lot of pride in the identity of “married”. I loved to check that box on applications. I was, admittedly, smug about the length of our marriage. And, honestly, I thought that we were almost immune to divorce because of it. I was prideful, vane and naive, to say the least. I’m sure that some of these attitudes allowed me to take my husband for granted. That was not healthy and unfair to him. And, I’m sure it contributed to the demise of the marriage.
As I cried in a bleary-eyed daze, I was confused about how I had gotten to this place. How did I come to be alone, with no direction and no known purpose? How did this happen? I had to admit in the midst of this swirling sea of emotions that it was partly my own fault. Intellectually I knew that, but emotionally I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to admit that many years of my own selfishness, sinfulness, enablement and neglect had brought me to this place. But over the weeks and months to come, I had to come to terms with all of that. And I had to understand my role in my own life.
Many times when disappointing, or bad, things happen in life we blame other people or “Bad luck “. But to heal fully and completely, we must realize that we are culpable for many of the situations in our lives. Let’s be clear, I wasn’t in this marriage alone. My husband had his part, his responsibilities and made his own mistakes. And, yes, there are circumstances “beyond our control”, but often (if we’re honest with ourselves) we must admit we hold at least ONE of the shovels that dug the pit we’re in.
As I lay physically, literally, in a puddle on the floor, crying out to God for grace, mercy, guidance and direction, I felt a stirring in my spirit. I asked the Lord, “What now?” I asked the Lord if I was supposed to stay in this house with my little cocker spaniel by myself. Could I handle all the bills and debt, could I maintain the house, the lawn, the garden, the pond alone. Would I be safe, alone? So many doubts and fears, and tears.
And then I felt Him say, “It is yours”. Not an audible voice, but a spiritual voice.
The tears stopped, I got up off the floor and felt a sense of peace. I knew, in that moment, that God was with me, as He had always been. I knew that I was going to be better than alright. I knew that He was still leading me and if I listened for His voice, I would find my way. God is faithful and His mercies endure forever.
What now? I decided I would delve more deeply into my creativity. I’ve been creative my whole life, but I’d never had a dedicated studio space. Now, through a situation that was not my choosing, I had room to create my own art studio. So I replaced the flooring, built a workstation, furnished the space with items from other rooms in the house and made the space my own.
After all the work was done, everything was clean and all the tools were put away, four artist friends of mine came and blessed the space. It was a transcendent day that I will never forget. Their gracious generosity and the blessings they prayed over me, and this new space, make my studio sacred.
It’s been years since that day. But every day I’m in the studio, no matter what I’m doing, I feel blessed. Every moment in this space is sacred to me. I don’t know if anyone else can fully understand it. But I imagine there are others that have similar stories of journeys from sadness and darkness into light and abundance. I try never to take it for granted.From puddles to praise. It’s been an amazing journey and it’s not over, yet. Praise the Lord for the gift of my studio and my new life. Amen.
Still, Jai
Photo credit: Unsplash, Andrey Bond @andreybond
